Katsup and Mustard

I think this picture perfectly describes my life at this point.

There's an essence of surrender; a feeling of hope exemplified by my arms lifted in front of the vast ocean.

I guess you could say that I'm in a season of my life where I'm learning how to surrender and let go of my past life, my insecurities, my frustration, and my control.  God wants all of me.  I'm throwing up my hands in surrender.  I am immersed in his presence, his love, and his way.  Pure relief.


That's not really the point of this blog.  I wanted to catch up on my 12 months of love.

Since I came back to school, I've neglected the challenge.  These last few months have been more challenging tasks: Seek truth and ignore rude, mean, or awful thoughts toward others, protect the reputation of others, trust the word of those you love and have discernment with others.  I'm not really sure how to do them.

Honestly, I haven't really been trying.  Blah.  I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I miss home.  I love school SO much!  Everything about it.  English Lit is where I'm supposed to be.  There's a peace in where I am, and I like that!  Megan's amazing.  I like her a lot.  We have fun.  I'm so excited to see where God takes me and what he does with my life.

Well, that's the catsup and mustard.  I remember in elementary when teachers would say it's catchup and mustard time.  I hate when people call ketchup catsup.  That's why I named this blog the way I did.

Goooooodbye random.



Picture by Tessa Ratner

A Success Story

Thank you to all who helped, contributed, or came to the Benefit Concert.  God definitely provided and because of your support, we sent $387 to Blood:Water Mission!

If you're interested in getting involved yourself, go ahead and visit: bloodwatermission.com. There are a lot of great resources and information available on that site.

Continue to keep the people of Africa in your minds, hearts, and prayers. They are our neighbors; they are our friends.

You've now become a part of something bigger than yourself. As humans, we have a calling to go beyond this mediocre life of self-indulgence; we must go forth and show love, be examples, and give ourselves (and our resources) to a greater purpose. Although we may never meet these people, they WILL know that: We, the people of St. George, Utah, love and cherish the lives of our brothers and sisters.

Blessings!

Futuristics

"It's probably best we don't know a lot about the future, because if we did, we'd be too consumed on getting there and making the right choices."

This is how I see it, if we could see into the future, we would be so focused on what is going to happen rather than living life one day at a time, making mistakes, and growing.  In "Troy," Achilles says to Perseus, "The gods envy us because we are mortal.  Because every day could be our last, it makes it all the more beautiful."


Basically, everything happens for a reason. We make a choice that takes us one step closer to what is going to happen in the future.  If we knew what was to come, we would take different steps, avoid certain mistakes in order to get to the desired point.  Problem is, the things we do lead to other events, therefore if we knew what was going to happen, we would choose differently, and ultimately risk getting to the exact point we were aiming for.  Thus, knowing the future would be futile because it would change with each "wrong" choice we make.  Our lives are paths laid out with different checkpoints.  If we fail to meet those checkpoints, we fail to learn, grow, and make it to our desired future (of course, we'd have another outcome, but not the one we knew).  Pretty much, it's a big, messy web that's too complicated to even comprehend. 

(This next part is pertaining to reality: not being able to see into the future)  The image that comes to mind when I think about our choices and how they affect our future is a spider's web.  The center is the desired ending point.  With each event, there are multiple choices and options.  No matter what choice you make, it ultimately leads to the center.  Each choice affects the next choice we are presented.  For example, we have to choose what college we want to go to.  There are thousands of different options.  If we choose the state university, we would be presented with different opportunities (such as friends, groups, classes) than we would if we chose Harvard or Yale.  


I love to think about the possibilities in my life; the different opportunities I may be presented with in the long run.  I like to know that no matter what choice I make, it will ultimately lead me to the same place.  Some choices may be harder than others, and some may take you a few steps back, but that's the beauty of being a human.  We have the chance to live and learn!

LEARN

I am having a strange urge to write.  Well, I suppose it's not really strange, just an urge.

I've always had a longing in my heart to be a traveler.  I want to discover the unknown, reopen the past, and know the secrets of the world.  My thirst for knowledge is sometimes insatiable.  All I want is the ability to understand and comprehend the things of history. 

Basically, if I was to travel the world, I would discover new ways of life, thinking, and doing.  It's baffling when you think of the American Mentality: we have it right, our way is right.  Who says we're right (other than us, of course)?  There are ways of life out there completely contrary to what we believe and what we do.  I want to completely reconstruct my view of life and way of thinking.  In traveling, I would do just that.  To be immersed in another culture would give me perspective on why people do what they do.

Also, if I travel, the opportunities of research would automatically increase.  The libraries!  The museums!  The collections!  There are so many, it blows my mind to even imagine the beauty of it all.

Knowing, learning, and understanding is a dream I've had for a long time.  Sometimes, I almost want to drop out of school so I can travel.  I just want to experience life.  Knowledge and learning go hand-in-hand with life lessons.  How can we learn if we don't experience?

June to July

June: showing love through not losing my temper and acting out in anger. I did fairly well.  It's always hard for me because, like I said, I am a bit of a hot-head. 

It seems like while I'm at home, I don't pick up on a lot of the signs that God gives me.  For some reason they are a lot more apparent at school. 

July: forgive and forget.  I know where I'm going to start.  This is going to be a good month. 


These keep getting shorter and shorter.  Sorry to those who actually read this.

Campaign for Clean Water for Africa

The History of Blood:Water Mission
 

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY. We're a group of passionate people who have been inspired by our friends in Africa, friends who face unbearable challenges from the HIV/AIDS and water crises. We creatively and thoughtfully raise awareness and the necessary funds for the provision of clean blood and clean water in sub-Saharan Africa.

Hear ye, hear ye! I have wanted to do something like this for a while, but haven't gotten around to it. But as the saying goes, "there is no time like the present." I want to not only raise awareness, but also money for B:WM and the people of Africa through a benefit concert showcasing a few local bands (if you are interested, please message me unless I haven't already messaged you.) I don't know when it would be, I just decided I have to do this tonight..like 5 minutes ago. I'm going to need people to help with all kinds of stuff and if no one volunteers, then I will seek you out and force you to help...well, not really, but kind of. This is an incredible opportunity to help people across the world, people that are suffering, people who you may never meet, people who need to be shown love and compassion, people who are so full of joy despite their less-than-joyful circumstances, people we can learn from!

Basically, it will be a benefit concert (as I already stated) featuring local bands/artists (you don't have to be a band, you could just be an awesome soloist). I won't charge admission (sooo, if you have a problem with that, we don't really need you), but will ask for donations while raising awareness of the conditions people are actually living in. I'm going to need creative people, tech-savvy people, talented people, organized people, or just...people. I would love if you helped me out. This is still in the planning process, so no absolutes yet, but I promise, THIS WILL HAPPEN!!!! Even if one person shows up and donates $1, they will be helping provide water for 1 African for 1 year (incredible, i know!).

If you want more info on B:WM, you can visit their site http://www.bloodwatermission.com/ or if you feel compelled to campaign yourself, here is the page for ideas http://www.bloodwatermission.com/take-action/ .

I really, really, really hope you want to help me out. I'll buy you ice cream or something. I'll also be contacting some people personally via phone/email/fb/any other form of technology.

(P.S. this is generally regarding the people of St. George, but hey if you're not a Georgian and you want to help out, feel free to jump on a plane and fly down to the hottest place you'll ever visit!)

Just take a look at these beautiful photos! If that doesn't pull at your heart strings, I don't know what will.

For updates on this whole process, please visit: www.serviseistheword.blogspot.com
Thanks all!!
Oh, and donations are gladly accepted :)

Late One...again

Well, May went well.  I struggled at times.  I can't think of any "braches" God taught me this month, but I'm sure there were some, just less visible.  I can be a pretty selfish person at times, but thankfully, I really tried.

June: I must control my temper.  Yikees!  I will admit, I am a hot head at times, but I think I can do this.  Count to ten, right?  1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10...then scream into a pillow.  Awesome.

Pray for me, please!

May, May, May, May I Please?

May's challenge: put others before me.  Thus far, I've done fairly well.  Off and on.  I'm a selfish person, I know that, so I knew this month would be slightly difficult.  And opportunities always present themselves, but even though I recognize them doesn't mean I'll actually take that opportunity and run with it.  I'm trying, I really am, but it's hard and sometimes I just want to think about me.
April was "don't be rude."  That did not work out so well.  I failed in the nice department.  I got very irritable (which also means I failed in the patience department, as well) and would let my sarcasm get out of hand, to the point where it wasn't really sarcasm, I only passed it off as that so I wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings.  I feel bad.  So really, May is all about being nice and putting others before me. 

Even though it really doesn't have anything to do with...anything, I'm learning how to apologize.  Ever since I was little, I hated apologizing.  My pride has always been a problem in that area.  SO I guess what I'm saying is that month of no pride really worked out for me...even if it IS a few months late.

I'm home.  It is fabulous and I have so many jobs lined up.  God definitely provides.  Unfortunately, I was unable to donate at BioLife because of low iron, but hopefully I get that up before the end of summer so I can donate my plasma at least a few times.

This summer is going to be a summer of overcoming fear and becoming more independent.  How I'm going to do that, you ask?  Well, first of all, I got a job at a call center.  If you know me even slightly well, you know I HATE to call people.  I hate calling anyone, even my family sometimes.  It terrifies me.  It is an irrational fear that I am so excited to get over.  Not only will it help me this summer, but it is also going to give me the experience I need to become an admissions counselor so I can take after Tessa. :)

Needles are another fear I have.  Donating plasma requires being stuck...many, many times.  Like I said, hopefully I'll have the opportunity to overcome that fear.

And finally, I'm terrified of heights, immobilized even.  I am not positive on how I am going to rid myself of this disease (yes, I consider it my disease), but I will.  Hiking, jumping, standing, anything to get rid of it.  Next year at school I am DETERMINED to climb that wall.  I will!  I will!  I will!!!

p.s. God is totally watching out for me.  I only got a B- in Intro to Psych.  I expected at the most a C-.  A B- isn't fabulous, but it's college, my grades aren't as important and God has control (something I've had to learn quite often this past year).

Thoughts from the Inner-Soul...

It never ceases to amaze me how paradoxical I can be. In so many areas of my life I strive to be independent and carefree, but it doesn’t always work out that way. For instance, my desire to love and be loved is almost overwhelming at times. I guess you could say I’m a hopeless romantic. Here’s where the paradox plays in: I’m a hopeless romantic who doesn’t believe in true love. Yes, I believe in the purest form of love, but not between two humans. I don’t even believe it’s attainable by any human being, only God.

So many stories and movies make love out to be almost a chemical reaction: an instant spark that is impossible to miss. I’ve grown up WANTING that! I’ve grown up picturing how I would fall in love, how my first kiss would be (which was far from what I pictured), how my fiancé would propose, how my wedding would look, how cute my husband and I would be together, etc…you get the picture. I was that little girl that always made her Barbie’s get married. I’m that girl who had her wedding already planned out by the time she was 12. I’m that girl who wants that love more than anything in the world, but hates the vulnerability it places on her. Yes, I’m that girl. I even went through a phase where I thought I NEEDED that love. (Needless to say, I thought I would get that "spark" when I came to college. Like every great college love story, it happens in the first week and it's easy to build that relationship...yep, didn't happen.)

I don’t want that anymore. I want a real love (yes, I’m beginning to believe…). I want a love that resembles Christ’s love for us. I want a pure, wholesome, beautiful love. A love that I don’t have to initiate!

I’ve thought for a long time that if I wanted something to happen, I would have to take care of it myself (even thought I didn’t). I’ve always been a strong advocate of the traditional boy-asks-girl, but never truly believed it would ever happen to me. Well, I’m going to say this “loud and proud”: I deserve to be pursued, I deserve to be loved completely, and I deserve a beautiful story. All girls deserve that. It’s hard to let go of that control and put your trust in God. I know he’ll bring along the right guy for me…someday, and if not, then it is His will. And if that is the case, I pray that He will make me okay with that. I honestly believe that God puts desires in our hearts (not all, but most), and if something wasn’t going to happen, that desire wouldn’t be present. In saying that, I believe that it will happen, maybe not this year, the next 5 years, or the next 10 years, but it will. I need to learn patience above all else. I don’t know the reasons for my being single for the better part of 19 years, but I do know there are reasons, and I can take a pretty good guess as to what those reasons are, but for now, I just need to be content in where God has me.

Like I said, every woman/girl deserves to be pursued and loved by a Godly man. It’s so sad to see little 13-year-olds flaunting their bodies because they aren’t secure enough in what they have to offer as a person. I just want to say, girls: wait for that love! I may not be a "love-guru" or have near enough experience to be giving "love advice", but I do know that it will be worth the wait; and guys: become a man worthy of giving that love. Oh, and another piece of advice for the guys: get a move on pursuing the girls. I’m sure I can speak for most of them when I say, “we’re tired of waiting.”

(NOTE: For those girls out there that haven't waited, that are impatient, or seem hopeless: God restores hope, He restores!  It may be hard to let go of the pain and the feelings of inadequacy or no value, but once you do, the joy and peace is overwhelming.  People mess up and God forgives and restores.)

Metamorphosis

Life inching along,
transformed into a winged song.
Overnight: a change has occurred.
Taking flight.
Feel the effect of
perseverence,
joy,
change.
Once despised, now cherished.
Wrapped in comfort,
emerging unseathed and renewed.
Once slow, now rejuvinated.
Once trapped, now free.
The time has come.
Once vile, now beautiful.
A change long awaited.
A complete transformation.
A metamorphosis.

A Big, Blended Smoothie of Feelings

I've been feeling inadequate lately.

I don't know how to explain these feelings.  I understand that everything happens for a reason, but I wish I could see the bigger picture.  I wish I could have God's mind and see what God sees.  Wouldn't that be incredible?  I don't know if my brain could comprehend, much less function if I knew everything He knew.  God is amazing. 

One of my biggest fears in coming to a new place where no one knew me was not being as successful as I was in high school; or, even more so, finding out that everything I had been told, every "talent" people had encouraged would turn out to be fake and I would learn that everyone lied to me.  Delusion is something I DO NOT want to experience.  Despite the fact that I know this is untrue, I can't help but wonder why I feel like God is leading me in directions just to have Him say, "no, I don't want you to do this now."  I feel like it may be a test of pride...again!

I understand God has a hand in everything: He opens and closes doors.  Like I said, He knows what He's doing.  I better not question Him. 

Oh well, I'm glad that I can rest in the knowledge that there's a reason behind all things and He has much bigger things for me!  And hey, now I'll have a bunch of time for homework...and classes...and sitting around...and other important stuff.

I still wonder how many ways "sorry, not right now" can be said?
"You're fired."
"You are the weakest link!"
"The tribe has spoken..."
"Dun, dun, dun!!!!  You have been voted off the island."

Good thing God isn't mean and his is always a simple "not right now, darling."  I'm so thankful He loves me unconditionally, despite all my flaws.

The Beauty of Womanhood

I found this on someone else's blog.  Click here to see her craziness.  She's a little out there and new-agey, but a lot of what she says makes sense to me.



From her "I Love Being a Woman"
 

I loved singing lullabies to my babies.
 
I loved sitting on the bed of the youngest child,
with all my children gathered around and reading stories to them.
This always led to conversations about what worried them or
what funny things happened to them.
 
I loved having my children bring me potato bugs, dandelions,
blossoms off the trees for evidence of their love to me.


Children are a beauty. I have the capacity to carry them within me,
grow them from my own soul.

the inexplicable pull i feel towards others.
I have love as deep as an ocean in my heart.

Intuition. I care for people, almost too much at times.
I can feel others feelings with such acuteness, it makes me ache.
But I wouldn't give it up for anything.

I get to be a work of art! Wearing beautiful skirts and dresses with long flowing hair
makes me feel like a fairy.
I love to drift around and pretend that I am a painting.

Other women. Our great Mother has brought us all together and lets us feel
the power of each others souls.

I am allowed to cry. Not that men aren't, but I'm almost expected to.
And believe you me, I take full advantage.

Everything feels like everything to me.
Mother Nature brings me to my knees,
children leave me breathless,
and the warmth of my husband makes me weak. I can feel!

We are fighters and we are strong, but we still need to be taken care of.
Pride is not in our blood.

My own mother makes me proud to be a woman.
The wealth of wisdom and love that she has poured out upon my hungry soul has made me
who I am. I have seen her struggle and overcome,
she has taught me what it is to be a mother, child, wife, and woman.

She has a lot of insight and I can definitely relate with her by saying, "I love being a woman, too!"  I can relate to a lot of the feelings she is portraying and I think every woman should be proud of who she is and how she has been created because there is a certain beauty in womanhood that cannot be found anywhere else.  God has created us as beautiful creatures: made to love, nurture, and care for those in need.  What a wonderful call. 

(Funny how 6 months ago, I would have claimed to be borderline feminist.  I think recognizing how God created me and what He created me to be has helped change those ideas.  I see the differences between men and women now and I am able to honor those and see the beauty of both, without an overlap.)

A Bit to Share

 ⁷Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.                                 [1 Jn 4:7-12]

This passage really hit home. My New Year's resolution, as you all know by now, is to live a life of love: "12 Months of Love" according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. This passage basically summed up love; specifically, God's love for His children. Several times throughout the passage it says, "God is love." Thinking about how hard it is to define God, we can easily say that He is love. What is love? Love drives out fear, love is genuine, love is unconditional, there is confidence in love, love is God (and God is love). It's such a vast concept, but nonetheless, it is incredible. My favorite verses in the passage are verses 10 and 12: "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins...No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." This is how we love. Love is the foundation of a Christian Relationship; between Christ and his people and among brothers and sisters in Christ.

Back to the Future

I am a little slow on the updates...sorry about that.

I started this post during Spring Break, but I never got around to finishing it.  It was good, too, but unfortunately, I had to delete most of it because it was no longer relevant to my situation here and now.

March was--how do I say this--frustrating.  "Love does not boast.  Love is not proud."  First of all, I'm not so great at the whole no boasting part.  I'm not really sure what constitutes "boasting?"  I talk about my family a lot, but I don't think that's boasting.  I also don't really understand how love and boasting are related in any way.  I guess it plays into the aspect of love that is not selfish and cares for other people rather than focusing on one's self.  I don't know.  I think I need to work a little bit harder on that part this month.

Now, onto pride.  Oh my goodness!  My pride was poked and prodded and deflated a few times this last month.  Like I said in a previous post, God seems to have more in mind for me than just getting me through the month focused on one aspect.  I thought getting rid of pride was going to be easy because, of course, I didn't think I was that prideful.  I was wrong!

Let's rewind back to February.  I took my first exam in Intro to Psych.  I actually failed.  54%.  I don't fail tests.  I've never failed a test before that.  I was pretty upset with myself for not taking it seriously, but Dr. Norman said we could retake the test later (this month).  So I wasn't too worried about it.  Then in March we took our second exam.  I actually studied (not much, but more than the first) and I only got a 67%.  Now this devastated me.  I was appalled.  I could not believe that I had gone through high school thinking I was smart when all along I was really dumb.  Prior to that fateful day, I had been praying that God would reveal to me aspects of my life that I hadn't surrendered to Him.  Welp, that's just what He did.  It was pointed out to me that maybe this was God's way of not only showing me aspects I hadn't given up, but also hurting my pride, which caused me to see that, yes, I actually am prideful.  I thought about it a bit more and I realized that I've always taken pride in my academics, in my grades.  I know I'm smart.  (I also kind of boast about this sometimes...)  Our exam was Wednesday, that night I figured there wasn't much I could do about it and God was an infinity times bigger than me, so I gave it to Him: my final grade, my academics (I mean, He is the one who gave me the brain capacity I have), and my worry.  I felt better about it, but I was still slightly upset.  On Friday I went into class contemplating withdrawal.  Norman started talking about a solution he had for the last exam.  He gave us a way to raise exam #2 15 percentage points.  So where I got a 67, I could raise my percentage to an 83.  Easy!  Essay questions from the chapters we had been tested on.  God definitely comes through for us.  I was so amazed.  God is so good!  He loves me, He cares about me.  He cares about my grades!  He cares that I care about my grades.  And guess what, because my pride was decapitated (best descriptor I could think of), I'm learning to rely more on God when it comes to classes and that essentially my grades are not as important to God as other things.  Oh yeah, I've also surrendered academics to God (as well as relationship status).  I know there are probably other things that I need to surrender, but I'm hesitant to pray for revelation because it turned out to bite me in the butt last time.

April: love is not rude
I can do this...with His help.

In the Words of My Fantastic Friends...

Despite the slight creepiness of the video, I love this song.

Theism: Anti and Pro

I think we as Christians have a calling to love everyone!  Yes, that includes those who oppose us.  This is anything we find "ungodly" or "unwholesome": Atheism, homosexuality, other religious group, etc.  Honestly, sometimes its hard to look past this fact and become people on agreeable terms, possibly friends.  So many Christians use fear to try "converting" the opposition: YOU'RE GOING TO HELL IF YOU DON'T CHANGE!  Or my favorite, the Bible says this and this.  Also, the most horrendous excuse, God won't love you unless you change.  (For my "opposing" friends: none of these are true...except for the first one, but that's beside the point--I don't want to scare you into my belief window.)

Here's the dealio: Jesus died for my sins, your sins, his sins, her sins.  He died, He was crucified, He was shamed to show God's love for each and every single person past, present, and future.  Oh, and the best part, the aspect that inspires hope in our hearts for a transformed life: the resurrection.  He rose from the dead 3 days later.  That's God's love because, now, we can overcome sin to be in the presence of God.  No matter who you are, God loves you.  He wants you.  He wants you to love Him.  Despite our differences in opinion, I still love you.  I will love you forever because when Christ died and I accepted His death as a gift of salvation, He gave me the ability to love as He does.  Maybe it's how I was brought up, maybe it's where I went to high school...all I know is the fact that I have learned how to separate the sin from the sinner--in every case (christian, non-christian)

Now you may ask what sparked this blog?  There's a new group on Facebook called Hey Facebook!... Atheist Groups are NOT Hate Groups! Stop Banning Them!  Here's the thing: if we as Christians think that Atheist Groups are hate groups, then aren't we the same?  I mean, yeah, they dis our beliefs, organized religion, the idea of intelligent design and God Himself.  But don't we dis the belief of NO God, NO intelligent design, evolution, and science?

Yes, I do have my days when I wonder why people choose to be Atheist.  I personally don't believe in organized religion; I believe in a relationship with my LORD and Savior and the never ending hope there is in the Cross, not rules and regulations.  There are days that I wonder why people deny the possibility of God.  What do you have to lose?  If you're Atheist, there's no afterlife.  If you're secure in the knowledge of Christ crucified, there's Heaven.  Then I have to remember that despite our differences, God loves us nonetheless.  


I may not be able to change your mind by scaring you with the prospects of hell, or with the Bible (even though I believe it is the inspired word of God...that doesn't apply to someone who doesn't believe), or with no love.  The only thing that I can hope and pray for is that you notice a difference in me (and other Christians...c'mon) and recognize the love as not coming from me, but from something greater, something better, someone MIGHTIER!  My God, my love, my LORD!

Fire vs Water

This fire inside of me longs to burn for Him.
It's burning, it's hot.
But there's a little faucet that found its way.
It found a cozy spot right above my fire.
It's dripping, dripping, dripping lies; dripping and quenching my fire, my warmth, my life.
It is suffocating the flames.
It is dripping!
These tiny drops are not enough to douse my fire, but enough to make it flicker and sizzle.
It has an opposite effect.  Usually water satisfies, but this is lying water, this is not desirable water.  It burns like fire, it tears like fangs, and it scabs, then it scars.
The scars are reminders of my past and who I was.  Reminders of the desperation and the discouragement.
I see my scars and it comes back: the darkness called discouragement.  The wounds are reopened, reborn (or died).
Why can't His scars be enough?
His scars cover mine, the fire consumes the damaged flesh and renews, restores, and rebirths.
The old scars are a reminder from the enemy of my past; the new scars remind the enemy of his future.
Praise be to my God, praise be to Him.

A Month Envy-less

My challenge for February was getting rid of any envy or envious thoughts.  This was somewhat difficult seeing as how February is known for Valentine's Day and anything "relationship" oriented.  If you know me, you know I want a relationship and have wanted one for as long as I can remember. 

I did surprisingly well.  I just had to ignore the massive amounts of couples piling up around me, which wasn't hard...with God's help, of course.  Like I said in a previous post, I've begun to realize that a relationship is far from the thing I need right now.  I've put it this way: I've been so willing to give my life to God and give him complete control, but I always kept the "relationship" area of my life in a death grip of my right hand while I offered the rest of me with my left hand.  This month, I finally let go of my death grip.  Honestly, it was absolutely relieving.  Peace, utter peace flowed over me.  I don't really know how to explain it.  The reason I was holding on so tight to that aspect of my life is because I was afraid that if I gave it up, God wouldn't give me what I want so badly, He would take it away forever and I would be devastated.  Even though I didn't do anything with it (and it was more stressful when I had "control" of it), I liked the idea of me being in control so I could do anything whenever I wanted.  What I didn't realize is the fact that when I gave it up, I was no longer worried that God would be a "big meanie" and keep the candy in eye-sight but out of reach.  I know that He has absolute control of every aspect of my life and it's quite a relief.  I never realized how much of a burden it is to carry your own load.  It's quite nice when God helps out.  It's like I'm a little kid who can barely lift her backpack after a long day at kindergarten, but my daddy helps me lift it into the back of the car.  Another thing I failed to realize is by giving up this dream of mine and knowing God has control of it, if it doesn't end up coming true, I'll be able to rest in the knowledge that it's God's will, not something I did wrong.  God does everything right; I don't...

I don't know if any of this makes sense, it hardly even makes sense to me, but all I know is that I'm not worried a smidgen.  It will happen all in good time, in God's time, and if it doesn't happen (as terrifying as it is) I will be okay.  I can honestly say right now that as much as I want to be married and raise my babies, the idea of it not happening doesn't scare me in the least.  I can't believe I am saying it, but I will be OKAY!  My life will be fulfilled for God in some other way.  My dreams will change if they don't line up with God's.  It blows my mind to see how much I've been learning just in the past two months.  I think opening up my mind to this "12 Months of Love" challenge is also opening doors to more learning opportunities. 

It's like a tree each month.  The trunk of February was NO ENVY.  Some of the branches were giving up my "dream," "realizing that God has bigger plans," "I don't need a relationship right now," "I'll be okay if it never happens," etc.  (same with January.  Trunk: patience and kindness, branches: service.)

Moreover, I built on the patience and kindness this month as well.  I love when I catch myself being irritable or mean because I pray and there's an instantaneous change.  God works.  He actually works!

March?  Love is not boastful or prideful.  No one-upping and no talking about all my accomplishments, my sisters' accomplishments, etc.  This is going to be kind of difficult.

Beauty Among Us

Right now: February 23, 2010 at 10:45 pm, I am extremely bored.  I always say that boredom is a state of mind (and it is), but for some reason, I still get bored.  Granted, it is not as often as I used to, but it still happens sometimes.  I guess it's mostly because I'm done with all my homework and I'm not procrastinating anything right now (okay, nevermind, I retract that statement: I have a huge paper due on Friday that I haven't even begun to think about).  And also because I went to be at 3-ish last night...then slept most of the day away, therefore not only are my sleep patterns messed up, but I'm also not tired from the naps I took today.  

In light of my precarious situation, I'm going to do a "25 Things On My Mind" list.  

Here goes nothing:

1. I have had a headache all day long, and nothing will make it go away.

2. I caught myself being a moper today, then I said mentally, "Stop!  There's nothing to be upset about.  Your life is beautiful!"  And it is.  

3. I'm going to start saying "livin' the dream" or "lovin' life" when people ask me how I am...that's what my dad says :)

4. I wonder how many people actually read this blog.

5. My Facebook Fast is getting easier!

6. It makes me sick to think how hard it was in the first place; I guess I never realized just how addicted I was to social networking.

7. I re-read my "Life Goals" list and ended up making a lot of changes to it.  The reasons I made changes: because I've changed.  I no longer want to do a lot of the things I thought I wanted to do.  Then I began thinking about just ripping up the paper because those are plans that I want to do, not necessarily what I need to do according to God's plans.  Oh well..I still have it, just greatly revised.

8. I need a job!

9. I have a whole folder in my bookmarks dedicated to "Good Blogs!"

10. February is almost over.  I cannot believe it!

11. I have blue scissors...two pairs of blue scissors.  I just realized that.

12. I can't wait for November 11th, 2011 (11-11-11).  It will be the ultimate make a wish day!

13. Chapel is tomorrow.  I'm soooo excited.

14. There are now 15 goldfish living in our bathroom, thanks to Nikki, Becca, and Janelle (the homeless suitie).

15. I have a blessing jar with 18 blessings that I got on my 18th birthday: the one I just pulled out says, "Whenever the enemy tries to remind you of your past, remind him of his future."  Beauty.

16. I just want to show you this picture:

17. I don't really do my math homework, I just look in the back of the book and copy the answers.

18. INCREDIBLE!  This is a "pretty YouTube"--for reals!

19. I'm still bored.

20. Five more to go.

21. Four more.

22. I looooove sticky notes.

23. I also love chocolate.

24. Preferably Dove.

25. Every want to make me happy?  Leave me Dove milk chocolate with a little note on a PostIt.

Well...that's all for right now.

Life is so wonderful and beautiful and I can't even describe the peace within; the peace that is overwhelmingly, suffocatingly wonderful.

Dear God, thank you.

Maybe I Write too Much?

If I do, stop reading.

I've had a few "major" issues on my mind lately, so I'm going to share a bit.  This will probably be an extremely long piece, but if it keeps me occupied and off Facebook, it's good.

Issue #1

Valentine's Day and Singularity

19 years gone by without a Valentine.  And I'm okay.

When I looked up the definition of "valentine" on merriam-webster.com, it said 1) a sweetheart chosen or complimented on Valentine's Day, 2) a gift or greeting sent or given especially to a sweetheart on Valentine's Day: a greeting card sent on this day.  Then I ventured to look up "sweetheart".  The definitions I received: 1) darling, 2) one who is loved, or 3) a generally likable person.  Then of course, I had to see how Webster defined "love."  He defined it as 1) noun: attraction based on sexual desire, affection and tenderness felt by lovers; affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests, and 2) verb: to hold dear: cherish; (or my personal favorite) caress.  

Love in today's world is more a feeling than an action.  Love has become so shallow compared to the meaning of love in the ancient world.  There were four words for love in Ancient Greek: agape, eros, philia, and storge.  Agape is sacrificial love (the word used in 1 Corinthians 13); also used to denote feelings of general affection or feelings of contentment or holding one in high regard.  Eros is the passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.  This is an interesting way to define it:

Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. (wikipedia.org)

The third word is philia: basically the love you have for friends, a dispassionate, virtuous love that requires loyalty to family and friends.  And the final love is storge.  Although it is rarely used in ancient texts, it means the natural affection (like parents have for children).

I find it baffling that the definition of love has gone from being so broad to so shallow and superficial.  I guess what I'm trying to get at is the fact that I'm absolutely okay with not having had a valentine because I have God.  I have my Jesus.  His love is enough for me.  I'm learning about myself in a way that wouldn't be possible if I had to worry about learning about another person, as well.  

My singularity is a much needed aspect of my life right now.  I guess a lot of you may say, "But you've been single for your whole life!  Why do you think you still need to be single?"  That's easy.  God has a plan for me.  Who knows, that plan may include some wonderful boy and it may be within the next couple months (or quite possibly the next couple years...or decades).  But as of right now, God needs me to focus wholly on His plan for my life and focus on growing into a woman that would be prepared for marriage; a woman who would be a good partner for a fantastically, wonderful Godly man.  (Besides, he's probably trekking across the country on his horse right now coming to find me and sweep me off my feet.  I wouldn't want to be in another relationship when he shows up...or even worse unprepared.  That would just be embarrassing.)  Valentine's Day is overrated anyways.  I honestly think it should only be shared between married couples, especially since sex is commercialized more than normal around this time.

Issue #2

40 Days of Lent

I've never done Lent before this year. I don't even want to call it Lent.  I want to call it a fast.  A fast of things that take my focus off God.  Mainly Facebook.  

Growing up in Price, I was surrounded by diversity of religion and one of the prominent ones (other than Mormonism, of course) was Catholocism.  So I definitely grew up knowing what Ash Wednesday and Lent were, but never what they meant.  I naively thought it was strictly for Catholics.

Anyways, I'm "fasting" Facebook.  

O_o

Yes, that is my "OH MY GOODNESS, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS" face.  (Ooh, that's cool.  40 days and 40 nights: what did Noah and his family do?  They prayed.)

Here's why:

Not only does Facebook encourage procrastination by causing me to waste beautiful time that I could be spending in the fresh air or really getting to know people rather than reading their profile information and learning trivial things such as their fave movies or fave foods, but it also causes me to sit and stare at the home screen waiting for someone to post something that is of remote interest because their lives are almost always more interesting than mine (yes, dripping with sarcasm).  Or better yet, it gives me the opportunity to "cyber stalk," as my sister kindly puts it.  I get to know what you're doing every minute of the day (especially if you are one of "those people" that post a new status update every 5 seconds).  What happened to the old-fashioned way of making friends?  I personally feel like FB is causing people to become less personable in real life.  Why say something of importance to some in person when you can just as easily (if not more) post it to their wall?  Why?  Because eventually our generation (or our childrens' at best) will rely so heavily on technology and social networking sites to find us friends and maintain friendships, we won't have any real social skills.  We'll be like the badger in Fox and the Hound.  Only we'll have cyber friends...he didn't have any friends.

Now don't get me wrong, I will be back on because that's my only real connection with people back home.  These last two days have been brutal (how sad), but I'm hoping it gets easier and easier as time goes on.  In doing this, 1) I plan on focusing more on my relationship with God and who he wants me to become, 2) catching up in classes and getting good grades, and 3) making lasting friendships.  I will be texting/calling/talking to people more often.  So if you like me and want to hang out with me, call or text me because I'm not going to be on Facebook.  I won't be there for 40 days.  Let's just hope the world doesn't end in the next 40 days before I can check my Facebook again.  I definitely want to know how many people love me before I go...

Side note: I'm watching people climb the rock wall right now (I have a perfect view from my desk...mostly of the belayer.  Dear Belayer (whoever you may be), I'm so sorry for secretly stalking and watching you take the lives of people into your hands.  I quite enjoy watching you do this fateful job.  Sincerely, Carley).  I just decided I want to climb soon.  Never have and never had a desire until right now.

I think that's enough for right now.

A Revelation of Sorts...

I know why I need to stay.
I know the reasons and I know why!

I'm just really excited right now because it's finally making sense.
 
My reasoning for staying:
I have always been a homebody. If you asked me to go to the movies on a Friday night, I'd tell you I'm watching a movie with my family. If you asked me to hang out after church on Sunday, I'd tell you I wanted to go home and spend time with my family. If you asked me to go somewhere with your family, I'd say I would rather sit on my couch with my family. You get the picture, right? My family means the world to me. They are my best friends. Especially Morgan. 19 months apart; inseparable. We've gone through a lot together and we've had many, many bonding experiences. All through high school, we were known as "Carley and Morgan" because everything I did, she did; everything she did, I did. You asked one sister to do something, you knew the other would be coming along for the ride. We did the same things (that's Tuacahn for ya), so we were always together. Not to mention the fact that she didn't get her license until the end of my senior year. In fact, she drove me to school once. The very last day of high school. It was a thrill. ANYWAYS, if I did choose to go to SUU (Southern Utah University, for those non-natives), I would be living with Morgan. We would never be our own persons. I honestly believe that this time in our lives is a season of independence and identity. We've always relied so heavily on each other, but someday we would've had to stop. For instance, when one of us got married, or one of us died. While I'm here and she's there, we have the opportunity of find our true identities separate from each other. Also, we can find who we are in God. Because we were always together, there was no real need to rely on God for answers, especially when your sister had all the answers for you. We are going to be able to become our own entities rather than one. And throughout this process of becoming two separates, we will become closer. The way my mom put it, "you will form a sisterly bond that will be stronger than ever and you'll be amazed at how much closer you two become." It's so true, Mom. She's a smart lady.

My mom and I talked for a really long time about this and basically we came to the conclusion that I am extremely strong-willed and stubborn (which we've known for quite some time...around 19 years now). You can tell me something over and over and over again, but if I haven't made the decision myself or come to the conclusion myself, it hits a brick wall and bounces off before it can settle in my mind. I'm the kind of person that has to learn on her own. I've learned, I've listened, and I've finally come to the conclusion that God wants me here so that I can become CARLEY. So I can be my own person; the person He wants me to be and the person I've always been destined to be. And the same goes for Morgan. I'm her older sister. I've always been there to give her advice, which sometimes caused her to come to me rather than go to God or figure it out herself. Without me there, she can search a bit deeper and rely more heavily on the LORD.

Also, this is a chance for me to learn on my own. I've always had my wonderful, loving parents to guide me through life. Showing me where to step, when to step, and how to step. I love them for it. I'm so thankful for the loving, caring, and gentle guidance, but at some point, we've got to let go and learn for ourselves. I've got to make some of my own mistakes and learn. I need to have my own experiences rather than basing my principles and values upon someone else's life.

And you know what? Here comes my chance. I'm boarding this train at the corner of God's Will and Independence. Here's my ticket. Let's ride.

SITNOTLAITNOL

I'm so amazed by GOD's infinite, undying love for me. Although this is a side note and somewhat distant from what I actually want to say, it needed saying.

Service has really been pressing on my heart lately. First with the nursing home, and now, after Rich Brown spoke for the last three days, I feel GOD pushing me. Like He's saying, "Do you get it? Do I need to scream louder?" I've always been slightly deaf when it comes to GOD's voice...perhaps unwilling is a better word. This whole week, the idea of service in the LORD's name and in the name of love has been drilling it's way through my mind. I can't stop thinking about it. I find it baffling that we as Christians are called to serve, rather than be served, but how many of us are only on the lookout for #1? Me included. What's sad, when I said #1, how many of you associated that with yourself? Shouldn't our #1 be GOD? I know I struggle with it, too. As humans, we are wired to be selfish. Our sin nature doesn't allow us to be natural servers. From the day we are born, we care only about what we get, what we eat, how long we sleep, etc. Isn't it about time that we step out of the mold and become more like Christ? I know that I don't want to be a cookie-cutter "Christian" (ALLITERATION!). I want to make a difference in this world. I want people to see me and say, "There's something different about her." Make them wonder, make them seek. Make them follow.

Again, I'm waiting for the right time to begin my "nursing home escapade" (I need some good name ideas, anyone?), but in the midst of that waiting, I can still serve. Serving doesn't have to be some large ordeal that takes hours and hours of planning. Simply holding the door open for someone or picking up trash off the ground can be considered an act of service. People will see that, and especially if they know you're a Christian, they will see a difference and begin wondering, even if it's at the back of their mind. That seed will have been planted. That one commercial keeps playing through my mind. The actually company/affiliation it was promoting, I can't remember. Basically, it starts with one person doing something nice for another person while an observer notices. Then that observer does something nice for another person (or the world, whichever) while someone else watches. And so on, and so on. Eventually it makes it's way around in a circle.

--Please hold while searching ensues--

I FOUND IT! Really makes you think, huh? Can you imagine what our world would be like, the difference we could make.

I guess essentially this blog is to call Christians (including myself) out of our comfort zones and serve in the name of the LORD and in the name of love. Like Rich quoted (reference would be greatly appreciated), "There's no way you can't love when you're serving." Or something to that effect...you get it.

I'm going to have to continue contemplating this and really striving to show my love through service. Otherwise, love is dead and nothing worth striving for.

Addendum

As of last night, I'm adding another New Year Resolution.


I am going to stop using "like" and "you know" as filler, frilly words. If I want to be an intelligible person, I'm going to have to speak like one.

This is merely a warning for all of you people out there that I talk to on a regular basis. My conversations will have, let's just say, more pauses and gaps while I try to verbalize my thoughts more thoroughly.

If you could help me out, that would be fantastic. Thanks.

MY Plans ≠ GOD's Plans

As I sit here--my stomach in knots, my eye twitching uncontrollably, and my fingers bleeding from constant gnawing--and procrastinate to the max, I feel the need to write.

Since I got back to school (for those of you who didn't know), I've been heavily leaning toward leaving Simpson and attending Southern Utah University. Let's just say, for the past month, I've been about 95% sure I was going to SUU. All up until Friday night. I am now 99.8% sure that I am coming back to Simpson (the .2% is due to monetary issues). The reasoning behind this drastic change of mind? GOD!

I had been really struggling with the decision because I was feeling pulled in both directions: one way by my family, the other by friends and a love for the environment here. I prayed. I really prayed. Last Sunday, Jan 31, I woke up with the word "wait" pressing on my mind. I thought about it for a second and let it sink in and gave up the struggle. Instantly, I was overwhelmed with peace. I made the decision to wait and be patient for God's answer. (This alone is incredible seeing as how January was my "patience" month.) From that moment on, I didn't worry about the future prospects of school; it was in God's hands.

I waited for less than a week. On Friday, Feb 5, I was struck with a sense of belonging here at Simpson; more so than ever before. I was overwhelmed by God's faithfulness.

Saturday night, I had an incredible idea (rather God had an incredible idea). When I was in Elementary school, several friends and I would go to the nursing home by our neighborhood and play games and visit with the residents. During high school, musical theater would perform for the Rehabilitation Center in St. George. These people were insanely blessed by the interaction. I decided that I wanted to go to a local Nursing/Retirement Home and share my musical talents with them. I want to sing and bless their lives with God's love. I want to hear their stories. I want to pray with them. I want to love them. I want to hold their hand, look into their eyes, and tell them that they are loved by someone far greater! I want to befriend them because, Lord knows, most of them have been neglected and left for dead. The people at these homes have stories and are incredible people; I want to hear, serve, and love.

At first I was baffled--despite being so uncontrollably excited I couldn't sleep--by the thought because I didn't know how to go about it or if I was just being stupid and selfish. I prayed about it for a while, especially focusing on putting my heart in the right place.

The next day, Sunday, I was blown away. I had been telling a friend about the idea when I got a text from another friend basically affirming what I wanted to do. It was such an extraordinary happening because there was no way he could have known what I had been thinking doing...unless it was from God.

After that, I knew I was supposed to be here. God opens and closes doors. He calls and calls for our attention, and when we finally give it to Him, amazing things begin to happen.

My life is being radically changed right now. I am not only in the midst of learning to love according to God's word, but I am also strengthening my relationship with Christ and focusing on doing His will rather than mine.

It's true, for so long I've been focused on my plans and my future, but it's about time I focus on HIS plans for my future. And honestly, that includes Simpson. I know it. I feel it in ever fiber of my being.

Another incredible thing is the fact that God is "healing" me of my ailment of envy and desire (in the relationship aspect). February's love is "dispelling envious thoughts." Ironically, February is known for relationships and love. I've always been so desperate to feel loved by another human being, to experience a relationship, but lately, that's diminished. I've been praying for God's timing as well as His will. For the first time in my life, I can truly say that I'm happy and content with my singularity. Of course I still want to get married eventually and have beautiful children that I can raise to love and fear the LORD, but when the time is right, it will happen.

I'm so incredibly amazed by the changes I'm already seeing in myself.

I realize this was a long post and somewhat extensive in detail, but it needed saying, so I said it.

These Opinionations...

I've been thinking about my reasoning behind not supporting recycling, vegetarianism, "world peace," going green, habitat for humanity, animal rights, and feminism (wholly), and I came to the conclusion that it's all too commercialized. (Evolution and Global Warming are different, although I don't doubt God's power and ability to make these things happen. They're essentially non-essentials that make no difference to me.) They are all great concepts, but 1) most are not attainable, thus frivolous attempts to better the world that is already steeped in corruption, and 2) because so many people join the cause, it's a trend. If I join something, I want it to be due to my whole-hearted devotion to the cause and it's ideals. I don't want to be just another name on a list. I want to be my own person and have others follow MY example. I want to start my own cause. On the other hand, I want to support things like: recycling, human rights (which I do, but not commercially), social action committees that are well known, world peace unions, etc. Sometimes I wonder why I can' t just conform, then I remember it's because I want to be remembered! It was said about Jesus:

"The people chose Barabbas over Jesus because Barabbas was a rebel and Jesus was a revolutionary. People remember rebels for what they opposed; they remember revolutionaries for what they supported."

Many people would say that joining social action committees and being a part of world peace missions would make me a revolutionary, but quite honestly, I see it more as rebellion. It's such a trend at this point in time. People do it to be different, to go against social expectations. (Now, there are those people who do things because it actually means something to them.) Rebellion against parents and society, rather than really trying to change the world. I want to change the world, change lives! I want to be the revolutionary that people remember forever.

So here's the irony of my odd situation: I refuse to conform to the afore mentioned topics, but I wear "trendy" clothes, listen to "trendy" music, and refuse to be a part of any "revolutionary movement" (which are not truly revolutionary). There is something seriously wrong with that picture. Unfortunately it takes money to have a "uniquely-me" clothing style, which I would have to completely re-make. Music is easier, but "indie" music is becoming pop-culture, therefore it is no longer indie music. Is anyone else seeing this pattern?

I guess more than anything my personality and opinions are what make me "Carley." I like that. That's my uniqueness, my non-conformity. Then, to top it all off, my stubbornness and pride are keeping me from reversing my opinions on so many subjects. I am one of the most confusing people on earth...I even confuse myself.

I will say that I completely support buying locally, buying organically, and knowing what you're eating and the facts behind the producer. That's just being smart and aware. And surprisingly, I am absolutely 100% against littering in any form. In saying that, you would think I'd also be pro-recycling (again, I'm quite confusing), but littering is deliberately destroying the beauty of the Earth, whereas not recycling is choosing not to support environmental ideals that I think are frivolous and over-exaggerated.

January: Patience and Kindness

January: Patience and Kindness

The moments I found it hardest to be patient with and kind to people was when I was at home. How sad is it that around my family, I am the most irritable? I love them dearly, each and every one of them, but I think it has to do with the fact that they're family and I've lived with them my entire life. (Yes, I know that is an awful excuse!)

There were times in classes when someone would be chomping too loud, talking too much, typing too much, laughing obnoxiously, or being disrespectful when I had a mind to turn and glare, but thankfully, I just sent up a little prayer: "God, patience! Please." Amazingly, it worked, each and every time. I just forgot about it. Instead of focusing on the negative, it became background noise and somehow helped me to focus even more on what the professor had to say.

Unfortunately, I slightly lagged in the kindness area. That is the one thing I am going to have to work on extra hard throughout the remainder of the year. I try to make an effort to smile at everyone I pass on my way to and from classes, but sometimes my mind is so extremely occupied with other things, I forget. It's not the ultimate kindness, but I'm getting there.

My constant prayer is that God gives me the strength and determination to get me through these 12 Months of Love, with no failing. I want to be a direct representation of Christ's love for His bride. Isn't that picture so phenomenal? And I say "phenomenal" because it means: an aspect known through the senses rather than by thought or intuition; extraordinary. Extraordinary meaning beyond the ordinary, measurable, or customary. Just ponder that for a second...

12 Months of Love

In lieu of my decision to leave the past behind, I am going "to live out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7" one month at a time.

January: Have patience and be kind
February: Dispel envious thoughts
March: Do not boast and get rid of pride
April: Do not be rude (goes along with kindness, but different)
May: Think of others before myself
June: Control my temper
July: Forgive and forget
August: Seek truth and ignore rude, mean, or awful thoughts toward others
September: Protect the reputation of others (do no spread or tolerate any form of gossip)
October: Trust the word of those you love and have discernment with others
November: Hope for the best for others (including my enemies) and pray for them [all] daily
December: Continue loving patterns

My hope in this "new year's resolution" is that each month will build on the previous month's goal, resulting in all attributes of love by December. :)

Now mind you, I am not perfect, so I will probably mess up a few times, but taking one step at a time gets you to the top of the mountain.