A Month Envy-less

My challenge for February was getting rid of any envy or envious thoughts.  This was somewhat difficult seeing as how February is known for Valentine's Day and anything "relationship" oriented.  If you know me, you know I want a relationship and have wanted one for as long as I can remember. 

I did surprisingly well.  I just had to ignore the massive amounts of couples piling up around me, which wasn't hard...with God's help, of course.  Like I said in a previous post, I've begun to realize that a relationship is far from the thing I need right now.  I've put it this way: I've been so willing to give my life to God and give him complete control, but I always kept the "relationship" area of my life in a death grip of my right hand while I offered the rest of me with my left hand.  This month, I finally let go of my death grip.  Honestly, it was absolutely relieving.  Peace, utter peace flowed over me.  I don't really know how to explain it.  The reason I was holding on so tight to that aspect of my life is because I was afraid that if I gave it up, God wouldn't give me what I want so badly, He would take it away forever and I would be devastated.  Even though I didn't do anything with it (and it was more stressful when I had "control" of it), I liked the idea of me being in control so I could do anything whenever I wanted.  What I didn't realize is the fact that when I gave it up, I was no longer worried that God would be a "big meanie" and keep the candy in eye-sight but out of reach.  I know that He has absolute control of every aspect of my life and it's quite a relief.  I never realized how much of a burden it is to carry your own load.  It's quite nice when God helps out.  It's like I'm a little kid who can barely lift her backpack after a long day at kindergarten, but my daddy helps me lift it into the back of the car.  Another thing I failed to realize is by giving up this dream of mine and knowing God has control of it, if it doesn't end up coming true, I'll be able to rest in the knowledge that it's God's will, not something I did wrong.  God does everything right; I don't...

I don't know if any of this makes sense, it hardly even makes sense to me, but all I know is that I'm not worried a smidgen.  It will happen all in good time, in God's time, and if it doesn't happen (as terrifying as it is) I will be okay.  I can honestly say right now that as much as I want to be married and raise my babies, the idea of it not happening doesn't scare me in the least.  I can't believe I am saying it, but I will be OKAY!  My life will be fulfilled for God in some other way.  My dreams will change if they don't line up with God's.  It blows my mind to see how much I've been learning just in the past two months.  I think opening up my mind to this "12 Months of Love" challenge is also opening doors to more learning opportunities. 

It's like a tree each month.  The trunk of February was NO ENVY.  Some of the branches were giving up my "dream," "realizing that God has bigger plans," "I don't need a relationship right now," "I'll be okay if it never happens," etc.  (same with January.  Trunk: patience and kindness, branches: service.)

Moreover, I built on the patience and kindness this month as well.  I love when I catch myself being irritable or mean because I pray and there's an instantaneous change.  God works.  He actually works!

March?  Love is not boastful or prideful.  No one-upping and no talking about all my accomplishments, my sisters' accomplishments, etc.  This is going to be kind of difficult.