Beauty Among Us

Right now: February 23, 2010 at 10:45 pm, I am extremely bored.  I always say that boredom is a state of mind (and it is), but for some reason, I still get bored.  Granted, it is not as often as I used to, but it still happens sometimes.  I guess it's mostly because I'm done with all my homework and I'm not procrastinating anything right now (okay, nevermind, I retract that statement: I have a huge paper due on Friday that I haven't even begun to think about).  And also because I went to be at 3-ish last night...then slept most of the day away, therefore not only are my sleep patterns messed up, but I'm also not tired from the naps I took today.  

In light of my precarious situation, I'm going to do a "25 Things On My Mind" list.  

Here goes nothing:

1. I have had a headache all day long, and nothing will make it go away.

2. I caught myself being a moper today, then I said mentally, "Stop!  There's nothing to be upset about.  Your life is beautiful!"  And it is.  

3. I'm going to start saying "livin' the dream" or "lovin' life" when people ask me how I am...that's what my dad says :)

4. I wonder how many people actually read this blog.

5. My Facebook Fast is getting easier!

6. It makes me sick to think how hard it was in the first place; I guess I never realized just how addicted I was to social networking.

7. I re-read my "Life Goals" list and ended up making a lot of changes to it.  The reasons I made changes: because I've changed.  I no longer want to do a lot of the things I thought I wanted to do.  Then I began thinking about just ripping up the paper because those are plans that I want to do, not necessarily what I need to do according to God's plans.  Oh well..I still have it, just greatly revised.

8. I need a job!

9. I have a whole folder in my bookmarks dedicated to "Good Blogs!"

10. February is almost over.  I cannot believe it!

11. I have blue scissors...two pairs of blue scissors.  I just realized that.

12. I can't wait for November 11th, 2011 (11-11-11).  It will be the ultimate make a wish day!

13. Chapel is tomorrow.  I'm soooo excited.

14. There are now 15 goldfish living in our bathroom, thanks to Nikki, Becca, and Janelle (the homeless suitie).

15. I have a blessing jar with 18 blessings that I got on my 18th birthday: the one I just pulled out says, "Whenever the enemy tries to remind you of your past, remind him of his future."  Beauty.

16. I just want to show you this picture:

17. I don't really do my math homework, I just look in the back of the book and copy the answers.

18. INCREDIBLE!  This is a "pretty YouTube"--for reals!

19. I'm still bored.

20. Five more to go.

21. Four more.

22. I looooove sticky notes.

23. I also love chocolate.

24. Preferably Dove.

25. Every want to make me happy?  Leave me Dove milk chocolate with a little note on a PostIt.

Well...that's all for right now.

Life is so wonderful and beautiful and I can't even describe the peace within; the peace that is overwhelmingly, suffocatingly wonderful.

Dear God, thank you.

Maybe I Write too Much?

If I do, stop reading.

I've had a few "major" issues on my mind lately, so I'm going to share a bit.  This will probably be an extremely long piece, but if it keeps me occupied and off Facebook, it's good.

Issue #1

Valentine's Day and Singularity

19 years gone by without a Valentine.  And I'm okay.

When I looked up the definition of "valentine" on merriam-webster.com, it said 1) a sweetheart chosen or complimented on Valentine's Day, 2) a gift or greeting sent or given especially to a sweetheart on Valentine's Day: a greeting card sent on this day.  Then I ventured to look up "sweetheart".  The definitions I received: 1) darling, 2) one who is loved, or 3) a generally likable person.  Then of course, I had to see how Webster defined "love."  He defined it as 1) noun: attraction based on sexual desire, affection and tenderness felt by lovers; affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests, and 2) verb: to hold dear: cherish; (or my personal favorite) caress.  

Love in today's world is more a feeling than an action.  Love has become so shallow compared to the meaning of love in the ancient world.  There were four words for love in Ancient Greek: agape, eros, philia, and storge.  Agape is sacrificial love (the word used in 1 Corinthians 13); also used to denote feelings of general affection or feelings of contentment or holding one in high regard.  Eros is the passionate love, with sensual desire and longing.  This is an interesting way to define it:

Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. (wikipedia.org)

The third word is philia: basically the love you have for friends, a dispassionate, virtuous love that requires loyalty to family and friends.  And the final love is storge.  Although it is rarely used in ancient texts, it means the natural affection (like parents have for children).

I find it baffling that the definition of love has gone from being so broad to so shallow and superficial.  I guess what I'm trying to get at is the fact that I'm absolutely okay with not having had a valentine because I have God.  I have my Jesus.  His love is enough for me.  I'm learning about myself in a way that wouldn't be possible if I had to worry about learning about another person, as well.  

My singularity is a much needed aspect of my life right now.  I guess a lot of you may say, "But you've been single for your whole life!  Why do you think you still need to be single?"  That's easy.  God has a plan for me.  Who knows, that plan may include some wonderful boy and it may be within the next couple months (or quite possibly the next couple years...or decades).  But as of right now, God needs me to focus wholly on His plan for my life and focus on growing into a woman that would be prepared for marriage; a woman who would be a good partner for a fantastically, wonderful Godly man.  (Besides, he's probably trekking across the country on his horse right now coming to find me and sweep me off my feet.  I wouldn't want to be in another relationship when he shows up...or even worse unprepared.  That would just be embarrassing.)  Valentine's Day is overrated anyways.  I honestly think it should only be shared between married couples, especially since sex is commercialized more than normal around this time.

Issue #2

40 Days of Lent

I've never done Lent before this year. I don't even want to call it Lent.  I want to call it a fast.  A fast of things that take my focus off God.  Mainly Facebook.  

Growing up in Price, I was surrounded by diversity of religion and one of the prominent ones (other than Mormonism, of course) was Catholocism.  So I definitely grew up knowing what Ash Wednesday and Lent were, but never what they meant.  I naively thought it was strictly for Catholics.

Anyways, I'm "fasting" Facebook.  

O_o

Yes, that is my "OH MY GOODNESS, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS" face.  (Ooh, that's cool.  40 days and 40 nights: what did Noah and his family do?  They prayed.)

Here's why:

Not only does Facebook encourage procrastination by causing me to waste beautiful time that I could be spending in the fresh air or really getting to know people rather than reading their profile information and learning trivial things such as their fave movies or fave foods, but it also causes me to sit and stare at the home screen waiting for someone to post something that is of remote interest because their lives are almost always more interesting than mine (yes, dripping with sarcasm).  Or better yet, it gives me the opportunity to "cyber stalk," as my sister kindly puts it.  I get to know what you're doing every minute of the day (especially if you are one of "those people" that post a new status update every 5 seconds).  What happened to the old-fashioned way of making friends?  I personally feel like FB is causing people to become less personable in real life.  Why say something of importance to some in person when you can just as easily (if not more) post it to their wall?  Why?  Because eventually our generation (or our childrens' at best) will rely so heavily on technology and social networking sites to find us friends and maintain friendships, we won't have any real social skills.  We'll be like the badger in Fox and the Hound.  Only we'll have cyber friends...he didn't have any friends.

Now don't get me wrong, I will be back on because that's my only real connection with people back home.  These last two days have been brutal (how sad), but I'm hoping it gets easier and easier as time goes on.  In doing this, 1) I plan on focusing more on my relationship with God and who he wants me to become, 2) catching up in classes and getting good grades, and 3) making lasting friendships.  I will be texting/calling/talking to people more often.  So if you like me and want to hang out with me, call or text me because I'm not going to be on Facebook.  I won't be there for 40 days.  Let's just hope the world doesn't end in the next 40 days before I can check my Facebook again.  I definitely want to know how many people love me before I go...

Side note: I'm watching people climb the rock wall right now (I have a perfect view from my desk...mostly of the belayer.  Dear Belayer (whoever you may be), I'm so sorry for secretly stalking and watching you take the lives of people into your hands.  I quite enjoy watching you do this fateful job.  Sincerely, Carley).  I just decided I want to climb soon.  Never have and never had a desire until right now.

I think that's enough for right now.

A Revelation of Sorts...

I know why I need to stay.
I know the reasons and I know why!

I'm just really excited right now because it's finally making sense.
 
My reasoning for staying:
I have always been a homebody. If you asked me to go to the movies on a Friday night, I'd tell you I'm watching a movie with my family. If you asked me to hang out after church on Sunday, I'd tell you I wanted to go home and spend time with my family. If you asked me to go somewhere with your family, I'd say I would rather sit on my couch with my family. You get the picture, right? My family means the world to me. They are my best friends. Especially Morgan. 19 months apart; inseparable. We've gone through a lot together and we've had many, many bonding experiences. All through high school, we were known as "Carley and Morgan" because everything I did, she did; everything she did, I did. You asked one sister to do something, you knew the other would be coming along for the ride. We did the same things (that's Tuacahn for ya), so we were always together. Not to mention the fact that she didn't get her license until the end of my senior year. In fact, she drove me to school once. The very last day of high school. It was a thrill. ANYWAYS, if I did choose to go to SUU (Southern Utah University, for those non-natives), I would be living with Morgan. We would never be our own persons. I honestly believe that this time in our lives is a season of independence and identity. We've always relied so heavily on each other, but someday we would've had to stop. For instance, when one of us got married, or one of us died. While I'm here and she's there, we have the opportunity of find our true identities separate from each other. Also, we can find who we are in God. Because we were always together, there was no real need to rely on God for answers, especially when your sister had all the answers for you. We are going to be able to become our own entities rather than one. And throughout this process of becoming two separates, we will become closer. The way my mom put it, "you will form a sisterly bond that will be stronger than ever and you'll be amazed at how much closer you two become." It's so true, Mom. She's a smart lady.

My mom and I talked for a really long time about this and basically we came to the conclusion that I am extremely strong-willed and stubborn (which we've known for quite some time...around 19 years now). You can tell me something over and over and over again, but if I haven't made the decision myself or come to the conclusion myself, it hits a brick wall and bounces off before it can settle in my mind. I'm the kind of person that has to learn on her own. I've learned, I've listened, and I've finally come to the conclusion that God wants me here so that I can become CARLEY. So I can be my own person; the person He wants me to be and the person I've always been destined to be. And the same goes for Morgan. I'm her older sister. I've always been there to give her advice, which sometimes caused her to come to me rather than go to God or figure it out herself. Without me there, she can search a bit deeper and rely more heavily on the LORD.

Also, this is a chance for me to learn on my own. I've always had my wonderful, loving parents to guide me through life. Showing me where to step, when to step, and how to step. I love them for it. I'm so thankful for the loving, caring, and gentle guidance, but at some point, we've got to let go and learn for ourselves. I've got to make some of my own mistakes and learn. I need to have my own experiences rather than basing my principles and values upon someone else's life.

And you know what? Here comes my chance. I'm boarding this train at the corner of God's Will and Independence. Here's my ticket. Let's ride.

SITNOTLAITNOL

I'm so amazed by GOD's infinite, undying love for me. Although this is a side note and somewhat distant from what I actually want to say, it needed saying.

Service has really been pressing on my heart lately. First with the nursing home, and now, after Rich Brown spoke for the last three days, I feel GOD pushing me. Like He's saying, "Do you get it? Do I need to scream louder?" I've always been slightly deaf when it comes to GOD's voice...perhaps unwilling is a better word. This whole week, the idea of service in the LORD's name and in the name of love has been drilling it's way through my mind. I can't stop thinking about it. I find it baffling that we as Christians are called to serve, rather than be served, but how many of us are only on the lookout for #1? Me included. What's sad, when I said #1, how many of you associated that with yourself? Shouldn't our #1 be GOD? I know I struggle with it, too. As humans, we are wired to be selfish. Our sin nature doesn't allow us to be natural servers. From the day we are born, we care only about what we get, what we eat, how long we sleep, etc. Isn't it about time that we step out of the mold and become more like Christ? I know that I don't want to be a cookie-cutter "Christian" (ALLITERATION!). I want to make a difference in this world. I want people to see me and say, "There's something different about her." Make them wonder, make them seek. Make them follow.

Again, I'm waiting for the right time to begin my "nursing home escapade" (I need some good name ideas, anyone?), but in the midst of that waiting, I can still serve. Serving doesn't have to be some large ordeal that takes hours and hours of planning. Simply holding the door open for someone or picking up trash off the ground can be considered an act of service. People will see that, and especially if they know you're a Christian, they will see a difference and begin wondering, even if it's at the back of their mind. That seed will have been planted. That one commercial keeps playing through my mind. The actually company/affiliation it was promoting, I can't remember. Basically, it starts with one person doing something nice for another person while an observer notices. Then that observer does something nice for another person (or the world, whichever) while someone else watches. And so on, and so on. Eventually it makes it's way around in a circle.

--Please hold while searching ensues--

I FOUND IT! Really makes you think, huh? Can you imagine what our world would be like, the difference we could make.

I guess essentially this blog is to call Christians (including myself) out of our comfort zones and serve in the name of the LORD and in the name of love. Like Rich quoted (reference would be greatly appreciated), "There's no way you can't love when you're serving." Or something to that effect...you get it.

I'm going to have to continue contemplating this and really striving to show my love through service. Otherwise, love is dead and nothing worth striving for.

Addendum

As of last night, I'm adding another New Year Resolution.


I am going to stop using "like" and "you know" as filler, frilly words. If I want to be an intelligible person, I'm going to have to speak like one.

This is merely a warning for all of you people out there that I talk to on a regular basis. My conversations will have, let's just say, more pauses and gaps while I try to verbalize my thoughts more thoroughly.

If you could help me out, that would be fantastic. Thanks.

MY Plans ≠ GOD's Plans

As I sit here--my stomach in knots, my eye twitching uncontrollably, and my fingers bleeding from constant gnawing--and procrastinate to the max, I feel the need to write.

Since I got back to school (for those of you who didn't know), I've been heavily leaning toward leaving Simpson and attending Southern Utah University. Let's just say, for the past month, I've been about 95% sure I was going to SUU. All up until Friday night. I am now 99.8% sure that I am coming back to Simpson (the .2% is due to monetary issues). The reasoning behind this drastic change of mind? GOD!

I had been really struggling with the decision because I was feeling pulled in both directions: one way by my family, the other by friends and a love for the environment here. I prayed. I really prayed. Last Sunday, Jan 31, I woke up with the word "wait" pressing on my mind. I thought about it for a second and let it sink in and gave up the struggle. Instantly, I was overwhelmed with peace. I made the decision to wait and be patient for God's answer. (This alone is incredible seeing as how January was my "patience" month.) From that moment on, I didn't worry about the future prospects of school; it was in God's hands.

I waited for less than a week. On Friday, Feb 5, I was struck with a sense of belonging here at Simpson; more so than ever before. I was overwhelmed by God's faithfulness.

Saturday night, I had an incredible idea (rather God had an incredible idea). When I was in Elementary school, several friends and I would go to the nursing home by our neighborhood and play games and visit with the residents. During high school, musical theater would perform for the Rehabilitation Center in St. George. These people were insanely blessed by the interaction. I decided that I wanted to go to a local Nursing/Retirement Home and share my musical talents with them. I want to sing and bless their lives with God's love. I want to hear their stories. I want to pray with them. I want to love them. I want to hold their hand, look into their eyes, and tell them that they are loved by someone far greater! I want to befriend them because, Lord knows, most of them have been neglected and left for dead. The people at these homes have stories and are incredible people; I want to hear, serve, and love.

At first I was baffled--despite being so uncontrollably excited I couldn't sleep--by the thought because I didn't know how to go about it or if I was just being stupid and selfish. I prayed about it for a while, especially focusing on putting my heart in the right place.

The next day, Sunday, I was blown away. I had been telling a friend about the idea when I got a text from another friend basically affirming what I wanted to do. It was such an extraordinary happening because there was no way he could have known what I had been thinking doing...unless it was from God.

After that, I knew I was supposed to be here. God opens and closes doors. He calls and calls for our attention, and when we finally give it to Him, amazing things begin to happen.

My life is being radically changed right now. I am not only in the midst of learning to love according to God's word, but I am also strengthening my relationship with Christ and focusing on doing His will rather than mine.

It's true, for so long I've been focused on my plans and my future, but it's about time I focus on HIS plans for my future. And honestly, that includes Simpson. I know it. I feel it in ever fiber of my being.

Another incredible thing is the fact that God is "healing" me of my ailment of envy and desire (in the relationship aspect). February's love is "dispelling envious thoughts." Ironically, February is known for relationships and love. I've always been so desperate to feel loved by another human being, to experience a relationship, but lately, that's diminished. I've been praying for God's timing as well as His will. For the first time in my life, I can truly say that I'm happy and content with my singularity. Of course I still want to get married eventually and have beautiful children that I can raise to love and fear the LORD, but when the time is right, it will happen.

I'm so incredibly amazed by the changes I'm already seeing in myself.

I realize this was a long post and somewhat extensive in detail, but it needed saying, so I said it.

These Opinionations...

I've been thinking about my reasoning behind not supporting recycling, vegetarianism, "world peace," going green, habitat for humanity, animal rights, and feminism (wholly), and I came to the conclusion that it's all too commercialized. (Evolution and Global Warming are different, although I don't doubt God's power and ability to make these things happen. They're essentially non-essentials that make no difference to me.) They are all great concepts, but 1) most are not attainable, thus frivolous attempts to better the world that is already steeped in corruption, and 2) because so many people join the cause, it's a trend. If I join something, I want it to be due to my whole-hearted devotion to the cause and it's ideals. I don't want to be just another name on a list. I want to be my own person and have others follow MY example. I want to start my own cause. On the other hand, I want to support things like: recycling, human rights (which I do, but not commercially), social action committees that are well known, world peace unions, etc. Sometimes I wonder why I can' t just conform, then I remember it's because I want to be remembered! It was said about Jesus:

"The people chose Barabbas over Jesus because Barabbas was a rebel and Jesus was a revolutionary. People remember rebels for what they opposed; they remember revolutionaries for what they supported."

Many people would say that joining social action committees and being a part of world peace missions would make me a revolutionary, but quite honestly, I see it more as rebellion. It's such a trend at this point in time. People do it to be different, to go against social expectations. (Now, there are those people who do things because it actually means something to them.) Rebellion against parents and society, rather than really trying to change the world. I want to change the world, change lives! I want to be the revolutionary that people remember forever.

So here's the irony of my odd situation: I refuse to conform to the afore mentioned topics, but I wear "trendy" clothes, listen to "trendy" music, and refuse to be a part of any "revolutionary movement" (which are not truly revolutionary). There is something seriously wrong with that picture. Unfortunately it takes money to have a "uniquely-me" clothing style, which I would have to completely re-make. Music is easier, but "indie" music is becoming pop-culture, therefore it is no longer indie music. Is anyone else seeing this pattern?

I guess more than anything my personality and opinions are what make me "Carley." I like that. That's my uniqueness, my non-conformity. Then, to top it all off, my stubbornness and pride are keeping me from reversing my opinions on so many subjects. I am one of the most confusing people on earth...I even confuse myself.

I will say that I completely support buying locally, buying organically, and knowing what you're eating and the facts behind the producer. That's just being smart and aware. And surprisingly, I am absolutely 100% against littering in any form. In saying that, you would think I'd also be pro-recycling (again, I'm quite confusing), but littering is deliberately destroying the beauty of the Earth, whereas not recycling is choosing not to support environmental ideals that I think are frivolous and over-exaggerated.