A Revelation of Sorts...

I know why I need to stay.
I know the reasons and I know why!

I'm just really excited right now because it's finally making sense.
 
My reasoning for staying:
I have always been a homebody. If you asked me to go to the movies on a Friday night, I'd tell you I'm watching a movie with my family. If you asked me to hang out after church on Sunday, I'd tell you I wanted to go home and spend time with my family. If you asked me to go somewhere with your family, I'd say I would rather sit on my couch with my family. You get the picture, right? My family means the world to me. They are my best friends. Especially Morgan. 19 months apart; inseparable. We've gone through a lot together and we've had many, many bonding experiences. All through high school, we were known as "Carley and Morgan" because everything I did, she did; everything she did, I did. You asked one sister to do something, you knew the other would be coming along for the ride. We did the same things (that's Tuacahn for ya), so we were always together. Not to mention the fact that she didn't get her license until the end of my senior year. In fact, she drove me to school once. The very last day of high school. It was a thrill. ANYWAYS, if I did choose to go to SUU (Southern Utah University, for those non-natives), I would be living with Morgan. We would never be our own persons. I honestly believe that this time in our lives is a season of independence and identity. We've always relied so heavily on each other, but someday we would've had to stop. For instance, when one of us got married, or one of us died. While I'm here and she's there, we have the opportunity of find our true identities separate from each other. Also, we can find who we are in God. Because we were always together, there was no real need to rely on God for answers, especially when your sister had all the answers for you. We are going to be able to become our own entities rather than one. And throughout this process of becoming two separates, we will become closer. The way my mom put it, "you will form a sisterly bond that will be stronger than ever and you'll be amazed at how much closer you two become." It's so true, Mom. She's a smart lady.

My mom and I talked for a really long time about this and basically we came to the conclusion that I am extremely strong-willed and stubborn (which we've known for quite some time...around 19 years now). You can tell me something over and over and over again, but if I haven't made the decision myself or come to the conclusion myself, it hits a brick wall and bounces off before it can settle in my mind. I'm the kind of person that has to learn on her own. I've learned, I've listened, and I've finally come to the conclusion that God wants me here so that I can become CARLEY. So I can be my own person; the person He wants me to be and the person I've always been destined to be. And the same goes for Morgan. I'm her older sister. I've always been there to give her advice, which sometimes caused her to come to me rather than go to God or figure it out herself. Without me there, she can search a bit deeper and rely more heavily on the LORD.

Also, this is a chance for me to learn on my own. I've always had my wonderful, loving parents to guide me through life. Showing me where to step, when to step, and how to step. I love them for it. I'm so thankful for the loving, caring, and gentle guidance, but at some point, we've got to let go and learn for ourselves. I've got to make some of my own mistakes and learn. I need to have my own experiences rather than basing my principles and values upon someone else's life.

And you know what? Here comes my chance. I'm boarding this train at the corner of God's Will and Independence. Here's my ticket. Let's ride.

SITNOTLAITNOL

I'm so amazed by GOD's infinite, undying love for me. Although this is a side note and somewhat distant from what I actually want to say, it needed saying.

Service has really been pressing on my heart lately. First with the nursing home, and now, after Rich Brown spoke for the last three days, I feel GOD pushing me. Like He's saying, "Do you get it? Do I need to scream louder?" I've always been slightly deaf when it comes to GOD's voice...perhaps unwilling is a better word. This whole week, the idea of service in the LORD's name and in the name of love has been drilling it's way through my mind. I can't stop thinking about it. I find it baffling that we as Christians are called to serve, rather than be served, but how many of us are only on the lookout for #1? Me included. What's sad, when I said #1, how many of you associated that with yourself? Shouldn't our #1 be GOD? I know I struggle with it, too. As humans, we are wired to be selfish. Our sin nature doesn't allow us to be natural servers. From the day we are born, we care only about what we get, what we eat, how long we sleep, etc. Isn't it about time that we step out of the mold and become more like Christ? I know that I don't want to be a cookie-cutter "Christian" (ALLITERATION!). I want to make a difference in this world. I want people to see me and say, "There's something different about her." Make them wonder, make them seek. Make them follow.

Again, I'm waiting for the right time to begin my "nursing home escapade" (I need some good name ideas, anyone?), but in the midst of that waiting, I can still serve. Serving doesn't have to be some large ordeal that takes hours and hours of planning. Simply holding the door open for someone or picking up trash off the ground can be considered an act of service. People will see that, and especially if they know you're a Christian, they will see a difference and begin wondering, even if it's at the back of their mind. That seed will have been planted. That one commercial keeps playing through my mind. The actually company/affiliation it was promoting, I can't remember. Basically, it starts with one person doing something nice for another person while an observer notices. Then that observer does something nice for another person (or the world, whichever) while someone else watches. And so on, and so on. Eventually it makes it's way around in a circle.

--Please hold while searching ensues--

I FOUND IT! Really makes you think, huh? Can you imagine what our world would be like, the difference we could make.

I guess essentially this blog is to call Christians (including myself) out of our comfort zones and serve in the name of the LORD and in the name of love. Like Rich quoted (reference would be greatly appreciated), "There's no way you can't love when you're serving." Or something to that effect...you get it.

I'm going to have to continue contemplating this and really striving to show my love through service. Otherwise, love is dead and nothing worth striving for.

Addendum

As of last night, I'm adding another New Year Resolution.


I am going to stop using "like" and "you know" as filler, frilly words. If I want to be an intelligible person, I'm going to have to speak like one.

This is merely a warning for all of you people out there that I talk to on a regular basis. My conversations will have, let's just say, more pauses and gaps while I try to verbalize my thoughts more thoroughly.

If you could help me out, that would be fantastic. Thanks.

MY Plans ≠ GOD's Plans

As I sit here--my stomach in knots, my eye twitching uncontrollably, and my fingers bleeding from constant gnawing--and procrastinate to the max, I feel the need to write.

Since I got back to school (for those of you who didn't know), I've been heavily leaning toward leaving Simpson and attending Southern Utah University. Let's just say, for the past month, I've been about 95% sure I was going to SUU. All up until Friday night. I am now 99.8% sure that I am coming back to Simpson (the .2% is due to monetary issues). The reasoning behind this drastic change of mind? GOD!

I had been really struggling with the decision because I was feeling pulled in both directions: one way by my family, the other by friends and a love for the environment here. I prayed. I really prayed. Last Sunday, Jan 31, I woke up with the word "wait" pressing on my mind. I thought about it for a second and let it sink in and gave up the struggle. Instantly, I was overwhelmed with peace. I made the decision to wait and be patient for God's answer. (This alone is incredible seeing as how January was my "patience" month.) From that moment on, I didn't worry about the future prospects of school; it was in God's hands.

I waited for less than a week. On Friday, Feb 5, I was struck with a sense of belonging here at Simpson; more so than ever before. I was overwhelmed by God's faithfulness.

Saturday night, I had an incredible idea (rather God had an incredible idea). When I was in Elementary school, several friends and I would go to the nursing home by our neighborhood and play games and visit with the residents. During high school, musical theater would perform for the Rehabilitation Center in St. George. These people were insanely blessed by the interaction. I decided that I wanted to go to a local Nursing/Retirement Home and share my musical talents with them. I want to sing and bless their lives with God's love. I want to hear their stories. I want to pray with them. I want to love them. I want to hold their hand, look into their eyes, and tell them that they are loved by someone far greater! I want to befriend them because, Lord knows, most of them have been neglected and left for dead. The people at these homes have stories and are incredible people; I want to hear, serve, and love.

At first I was baffled--despite being so uncontrollably excited I couldn't sleep--by the thought because I didn't know how to go about it or if I was just being stupid and selfish. I prayed about it for a while, especially focusing on putting my heart in the right place.

The next day, Sunday, I was blown away. I had been telling a friend about the idea when I got a text from another friend basically affirming what I wanted to do. It was such an extraordinary happening because there was no way he could have known what I had been thinking doing...unless it was from God.

After that, I knew I was supposed to be here. God opens and closes doors. He calls and calls for our attention, and when we finally give it to Him, amazing things begin to happen.

My life is being radically changed right now. I am not only in the midst of learning to love according to God's word, but I am also strengthening my relationship with Christ and focusing on doing His will rather than mine.

It's true, for so long I've been focused on my plans and my future, but it's about time I focus on HIS plans for my future. And honestly, that includes Simpson. I know it. I feel it in ever fiber of my being.

Another incredible thing is the fact that God is "healing" me of my ailment of envy and desire (in the relationship aspect). February's love is "dispelling envious thoughts." Ironically, February is known for relationships and love. I've always been so desperate to feel loved by another human being, to experience a relationship, but lately, that's diminished. I've been praying for God's timing as well as His will. For the first time in my life, I can truly say that I'm happy and content with my singularity. Of course I still want to get married eventually and have beautiful children that I can raise to love and fear the LORD, but when the time is right, it will happen.

I'm so incredibly amazed by the changes I'm already seeing in myself.

I realize this was a long post and somewhat extensive in detail, but it needed saying, so I said it.

These Opinionations...

I've been thinking about my reasoning behind not supporting recycling, vegetarianism, "world peace," going green, habitat for humanity, animal rights, and feminism (wholly), and I came to the conclusion that it's all too commercialized. (Evolution and Global Warming are different, although I don't doubt God's power and ability to make these things happen. They're essentially non-essentials that make no difference to me.) They are all great concepts, but 1) most are not attainable, thus frivolous attempts to better the world that is already steeped in corruption, and 2) because so many people join the cause, it's a trend. If I join something, I want it to be due to my whole-hearted devotion to the cause and it's ideals. I don't want to be just another name on a list. I want to be my own person and have others follow MY example. I want to start my own cause. On the other hand, I want to support things like: recycling, human rights (which I do, but not commercially), social action committees that are well known, world peace unions, etc. Sometimes I wonder why I can' t just conform, then I remember it's because I want to be remembered! It was said about Jesus:

"The people chose Barabbas over Jesus because Barabbas was a rebel and Jesus was a revolutionary. People remember rebels for what they opposed; they remember revolutionaries for what they supported."

Many people would say that joining social action committees and being a part of world peace missions would make me a revolutionary, but quite honestly, I see it more as rebellion. It's such a trend at this point in time. People do it to be different, to go against social expectations. (Now, there are those people who do things because it actually means something to them.) Rebellion against parents and society, rather than really trying to change the world. I want to change the world, change lives! I want to be the revolutionary that people remember forever.

So here's the irony of my odd situation: I refuse to conform to the afore mentioned topics, but I wear "trendy" clothes, listen to "trendy" music, and refuse to be a part of any "revolutionary movement" (which are not truly revolutionary). There is something seriously wrong with that picture. Unfortunately it takes money to have a "uniquely-me" clothing style, which I would have to completely re-make. Music is easier, but "indie" music is becoming pop-culture, therefore it is no longer indie music. Is anyone else seeing this pattern?

I guess more than anything my personality and opinions are what make me "Carley." I like that. That's my uniqueness, my non-conformity. Then, to top it all off, my stubbornness and pride are keeping me from reversing my opinions on so many subjects. I am one of the most confusing people on earth...I even confuse myself.

I will say that I completely support buying locally, buying organically, and knowing what you're eating and the facts behind the producer. That's just being smart and aware. And surprisingly, I am absolutely 100% against littering in any form. In saying that, you would think I'd also be pro-recycling (again, I'm quite confusing), but littering is deliberately destroying the beauty of the Earth, whereas not recycling is choosing not to support environmental ideals that I think are frivolous and over-exaggerated.

January: Patience and Kindness

January: Patience and Kindness

The moments I found it hardest to be patient with and kind to people was when I was at home. How sad is it that around my family, I am the most irritable? I love them dearly, each and every one of them, but I think it has to do with the fact that they're family and I've lived with them my entire life. (Yes, I know that is an awful excuse!)

There were times in classes when someone would be chomping too loud, talking too much, typing too much, laughing obnoxiously, or being disrespectful when I had a mind to turn and glare, but thankfully, I just sent up a little prayer: "God, patience! Please." Amazingly, it worked, each and every time. I just forgot about it. Instead of focusing on the negative, it became background noise and somehow helped me to focus even more on what the professor had to say.

Unfortunately, I slightly lagged in the kindness area. That is the one thing I am going to have to work on extra hard throughout the remainder of the year. I try to make an effort to smile at everyone I pass on my way to and from classes, but sometimes my mind is so extremely occupied with other things, I forget. It's not the ultimate kindness, but I'm getting there.

My constant prayer is that God gives me the strength and determination to get me through these 12 Months of Love, with no failing. I want to be a direct representation of Christ's love for His bride. Isn't that picture so phenomenal? And I say "phenomenal" because it means: an aspect known through the senses rather than by thought or intuition; extraordinary. Extraordinary meaning beyond the ordinary, measurable, or customary. Just ponder that for a second...

12 Months of Love

In lieu of my decision to leave the past behind, I am going "to live out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7" one month at a time.

January: Have patience and be kind
February: Dispel envious thoughts
March: Do not boast and get rid of pride
April: Do not be rude (goes along with kindness, but different)
May: Think of others before myself
June: Control my temper
July: Forgive and forget
August: Seek truth and ignore rude, mean, or awful thoughts toward others
September: Protect the reputation of others (do no spread or tolerate any form of gossip)
October: Trust the word of those you love and have discernment with others
November: Hope for the best for others (including my enemies) and pray for them [all] daily
December: Continue loving patterns

My hope in this "new year's resolution" is that each month will build on the previous month's goal, resulting in all attributes of love by December. :)

Now mind you, I am not perfect, so I will probably mess up a few times, but taking one step at a time gets you to the top of the mountain.