Thoughts from the Inner-Soul...

It never ceases to amaze me how paradoxical I can be. In so many areas of my life I strive to be independent and carefree, but it doesn’t always work out that way. For instance, my desire to love and be loved is almost overwhelming at times. I guess you could say I’m a hopeless romantic. Here’s where the paradox plays in: I’m a hopeless romantic who doesn’t believe in true love. Yes, I believe in the purest form of love, but not between two humans. I don’t even believe it’s attainable by any human being, only God.

So many stories and movies make love out to be almost a chemical reaction: an instant spark that is impossible to miss. I’ve grown up WANTING that! I’ve grown up picturing how I would fall in love, how my first kiss would be (which was far from what I pictured), how my fiancé would propose, how my wedding would look, how cute my husband and I would be together, etc…you get the picture. I was that little girl that always made her Barbie’s get married. I’m that girl who had her wedding already planned out by the time she was 12. I’m that girl who wants that love more than anything in the world, but hates the vulnerability it places on her. Yes, I’m that girl. I even went through a phase where I thought I NEEDED that love. (Needless to say, I thought I would get that "spark" when I came to college. Like every great college love story, it happens in the first week and it's easy to build that relationship...yep, didn't happen.)

I don’t want that anymore. I want a real love (yes, I’m beginning to believe…). I want a love that resembles Christ’s love for us. I want a pure, wholesome, beautiful love. A love that I don’t have to initiate!

I’ve thought for a long time that if I wanted something to happen, I would have to take care of it myself (even thought I didn’t). I’ve always been a strong advocate of the traditional boy-asks-girl, but never truly believed it would ever happen to me. Well, I’m going to say this “loud and proud”: I deserve to be pursued, I deserve to be loved completely, and I deserve a beautiful story. All girls deserve that. It’s hard to let go of that control and put your trust in God. I know he’ll bring along the right guy for me…someday, and if not, then it is His will. And if that is the case, I pray that He will make me okay with that. I honestly believe that God puts desires in our hearts (not all, but most), and if something wasn’t going to happen, that desire wouldn’t be present. In saying that, I believe that it will happen, maybe not this year, the next 5 years, or the next 10 years, but it will. I need to learn patience above all else. I don’t know the reasons for my being single for the better part of 19 years, but I do know there are reasons, and I can take a pretty good guess as to what those reasons are, but for now, I just need to be content in where God has me.

Like I said, every woman/girl deserves to be pursued and loved by a Godly man. It’s so sad to see little 13-year-olds flaunting their bodies because they aren’t secure enough in what they have to offer as a person. I just want to say, girls: wait for that love! I may not be a "love-guru" or have near enough experience to be giving "love advice", but I do know that it will be worth the wait; and guys: become a man worthy of giving that love. Oh, and another piece of advice for the guys: get a move on pursuing the girls. I’m sure I can speak for most of them when I say, “we’re tired of waiting.”

(NOTE: For those girls out there that haven't waited, that are impatient, or seem hopeless: God restores hope, He restores!  It may be hard to let go of the pain and the feelings of inadequacy or no value, but once you do, the joy and peace is overwhelming.  People mess up and God forgives and restores.)

Metamorphosis

Life inching along,
transformed into a winged song.
Overnight: a change has occurred.
Taking flight.
Feel the effect of
perseverence,
joy,
change.
Once despised, now cherished.
Wrapped in comfort,
emerging unseathed and renewed.
Once slow, now rejuvinated.
Once trapped, now free.
The time has come.
Once vile, now beautiful.
A change long awaited.
A complete transformation.
A metamorphosis.

A Big, Blended Smoothie of Feelings

I've been feeling inadequate lately.

I don't know how to explain these feelings.  I understand that everything happens for a reason, but I wish I could see the bigger picture.  I wish I could have God's mind and see what God sees.  Wouldn't that be incredible?  I don't know if my brain could comprehend, much less function if I knew everything He knew.  God is amazing. 

One of my biggest fears in coming to a new place where no one knew me was not being as successful as I was in high school; or, even more so, finding out that everything I had been told, every "talent" people had encouraged would turn out to be fake and I would learn that everyone lied to me.  Delusion is something I DO NOT want to experience.  Despite the fact that I know this is untrue, I can't help but wonder why I feel like God is leading me in directions just to have Him say, "no, I don't want you to do this now."  I feel like it may be a test of pride...again!

I understand God has a hand in everything: He opens and closes doors.  Like I said, He knows what He's doing.  I better not question Him. 

Oh well, I'm glad that I can rest in the knowledge that there's a reason behind all things and He has much bigger things for me!  And hey, now I'll have a bunch of time for homework...and classes...and sitting around...and other important stuff.

I still wonder how many ways "sorry, not right now" can be said?
"You're fired."
"You are the weakest link!"
"The tribe has spoken..."
"Dun, dun, dun!!!!  You have been voted off the island."

Good thing God isn't mean and his is always a simple "not right now, darling."  I'm so thankful He loves me unconditionally, despite all my flaws.

The Beauty of Womanhood

I found this on someone else's blog.  Click here to see her craziness.  She's a little out there and new-agey, but a lot of what she says makes sense to me.



From her "I Love Being a Woman"
 

I loved singing lullabies to my babies.
 
I loved sitting on the bed of the youngest child,
with all my children gathered around and reading stories to them.
This always led to conversations about what worried them or
what funny things happened to them.
 
I loved having my children bring me potato bugs, dandelions,
blossoms off the trees for evidence of their love to me.


Children are a beauty. I have the capacity to carry them within me,
grow them from my own soul.

the inexplicable pull i feel towards others.
I have love as deep as an ocean in my heart.

Intuition. I care for people, almost too much at times.
I can feel others feelings with such acuteness, it makes me ache.
But I wouldn't give it up for anything.

I get to be a work of art! Wearing beautiful skirts and dresses with long flowing hair
makes me feel like a fairy.
I love to drift around and pretend that I am a painting.

Other women. Our great Mother has brought us all together and lets us feel
the power of each others souls.

I am allowed to cry. Not that men aren't, but I'm almost expected to.
And believe you me, I take full advantage.

Everything feels like everything to me.
Mother Nature brings me to my knees,
children leave me breathless,
and the warmth of my husband makes me weak. I can feel!

We are fighters and we are strong, but we still need to be taken care of.
Pride is not in our blood.

My own mother makes me proud to be a woman.
The wealth of wisdom and love that she has poured out upon my hungry soul has made me
who I am. I have seen her struggle and overcome,
she has taught me what it is to be a mother, child, wife, and woman.

She has a lot of insight and I can definitely relate with her by saying, "I love being a woman, too!"  I can relate to a lot of the feelings she is portraying and I think every woman should be proud of who she is and how she has been created because there is a certain beauty in womanhood that cannot be found anywhere else.  God has created us as beautiful creatures: made to love, nurture, and care for those in need.  What a wonderful call. 

(Funny how 6 months ago, I would have claimed to be borderline feminist.  I think recognizing how God created me and what He created me to be has helped change those ideas.  I see the differences between men and women now and I am able to honor those and see the beauty of both, without an overlap.)

A Bit to Share

 ⁷Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.                                 [1 Jn 4:7-12]

This passage really hit home. My New Year's resolution, as you all know by now, is to live a life of love: "12 Months of Love" according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. This passage basically summed up love; specifically, God's love for His children. Several times throughout the passage it says, "God is love." Thinking about how hard it is to define God, we can easily say that He is love. What is love? Love drives out fear, love is genuine, love is unconditional, there is confidence in love, love is God (and God is love). It's such a vast concept, but nonetheless, it is incredible. My favorite verses in the passage are verses 10 and 12: "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins...No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." This is how we love. Love is the foundation of a Christian Relationship; between Christ and his people and among brothers and sisters in Christ.

Back to the Future

I am a little slow on the updates...sorry about that.

I started this post during Spring Break, but I never got around to finishing it.  It was good, too, but unfortunately, I had to delete most of it because it was no longer relevant to my situation here and now.

March was--how do I say this--frustrating.  "Love does not boast.  Love is not proud."  First of all, I'm not so great at the whole no boasting part.  I'm not really sure what constitutes "boasting?"  I talk about my family a lot, but I don't think that's boasting.  I also don't really understand how love and boasting are related in any way.  I guess it plays into the aspect of love that is not selfish and cares for other people rather than focusing on one's self.  I don't know.  I think I need to work a little bit harder on that part this month.

Now, onto pride.  Oh my goodness!  My pride was poked and prodded and deflated a few times this last month.  Like I said in a previous post, God seems to have more in mind for me than just getting me through the month focused on one aspect.  I thought getting rid of pride was going to be easy because, of course, I didn't think I was that prideful.  I was wrong!

Let's rewind back to February.  I took my first exam in Intro to Psych.  I actually failed.  54%.  I don't fail tests.  I've never failed a test before that.  I was pretty upset with myself for not taking it seriously, but Dr. Norman said we could retake the test later (this month).  So I wasn't too worried about it.  Then in March we took our second exam.  I actually studied (not much, but more than the first) and I only got a 67%.  Now this devastated me.  I was appalled.  I could not believe that I had gone through high school thinking I was smart when all along I was really dumb.  Prior to that fateful day, I had been praying that God would reveal to me aspects of my life that I hadn't surrendered to Him.  Welp, that's just what He did.  It was pointed out to me that maybe this was God's way of not only showing me aspects I hadn't given up, but also hurting my pride, which caused me to see that, yes, I actually am prideful.  I thought about it a bit more and I realized that I've always taken pride in my academics, in my grades.  I know I'm smart.  (I also kind of boast about this sometimes...)  Our exam was Wednesday, that night I figured there wasn't much I could do about it and God was an infinity times bigger than me, so I gave it to Him: my final grade, my academics (I mean, He is the one who gave me the brain capacity I have), and my worry.  I felt better about it, but I was still slightly upset.  On Friday I went into class contemplating withdrawal.  Norman started talking about a solution he had for the last exam.  He gave us a way to raise exam #2 15 percentage points.  So where I got a 67, I could raise my percentage to an 83.  Easy!  Essay questions from the chapters we had been tested on.  God definitely comes through for us.  I was so amazed.  God is so good!  He loves me, He cares about me.  He cares about my grades!  He cares that I care about my grades.  And guess what, because my pride was decapitated (best descriptor I could think of), I'm learning to rely more on God when it comes to classes and that essentially my grades are not as important to God as other things.  Oh yeah, I've also surrendered academics to God (as well as relationship status).  I know there are probably other things that I need to surrender, but I'm hesitant to pray for revelation because it turned out to bite me in the butt last time.

April: love is not rude
I can do this...with His help.